


I'll Find You Before the Stars do

by keepleaves



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Keith reveals how he ended up in the desert alone, Keith sings, M/M, Shiro confronts Keith about what happened at the Blade's headquarters, because I too am a lazy fuck who wouldn't look them up unless they were linked, but because I'm a weeb he sings in Japanese AND Korean, included the song translations at the end, the emotional dam breaks open, word vomit from our characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 06:56:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11270337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepleaves/pseuds/keepleaves
Summary: The one I love is so strong, they make me worryShow your weak side only to meI'll find you before the stars doCome back home soonMusic sounds different throughout the universe. Keith once believed that a thread of song would lead Shiro home, no matter where he was.





	I'll Find You Before the Stars do

"I'm sorry."

Shiro barely looks up from tending Keith's cuts. Keith's back is turned to him, and he's already shimmied out of the tight Galra suit, too tired and too injured to be embarrassed. Shiro only pauses for a second. "You don't have anything to apologize for. If anything, shouldn't I be apologizing to you?"

"Why?"

This time, it's Shiro's turn to avert his gaze. "I saw everything. Kolivan told me...the suit is supposed to show your greatest hopes and fears."

Keith shrugs.

"I saw me. In there," Shiro continues. “With you. It was part of your mindscape. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have intruded like that, but I had to make sure you were okay-"

Keith holds his hands up. They're shaking, Shiro notices. "It's nothing to be sorry about," Keith says, quietly.  "You're being a good leader and looking out for everyone." Keith doesn't mention anything else, but Shiro knows there are words left unspoken; a tension that's residual from years ago, amplified by the time spent apart.

“Just…” Shiro hesitates.  “Just know I’m not--I wouldn’t leave you like that.  Whatever decision you make, whoever you are… I’ll never just walk away.”

Keith closes his eyes. "I know.” Just like he knows it wasn't Shiro's fault that he was taken captive by the Galra, but the sting of being alone for so long feels like a cut, carved deep into his chest, that has only just started to heal. "I know."

Shiro opens his mouth to respond when a large crash shakes the building. They both glance at each other. "Guess our ride's here. We'll finish talking about— everything— later. Let's go home." Shiro offers a hand out to him, and this time, Keith squarely meets Shiro's eyes.

* * *

 Keith avoids Shiro when they get back to the ship.

Shiro understands why. They can't let anything get in the way of Voltron.  They are defenders of the universe, whether they like it or not. Their feelings don’t matter. At least, that's what Shiro tells himself. Deep down though, Shiro knows it's because they're both scared. He knows that's why he and Keith have both decided to not discuss it through some unspoken agreement

Before he had left for Kerberos, Keith hadn't cried; neither had he. They had simply said their goodbyes. Shiro still doesn't know the official story that was released to the public. He never wanted to. He had survived and that was all that had mattered. And after that, they had to defeat Zarkon. There was no time to think about their personal problems. But Shiro can’t pretend he didn’t see Keith’s trial. There's a desperate, burning desire that he had forced himself to forget when he was captured by the Galra. They had been separated and then brought together again. Shiro had always told himself that it would be enough to see Keith again. But now, there’s nothing more he wants than to keep Keith with him, always.

Shiro excuses himself early from dinner, one that Keith had not participated in. He wanders aimlessly, rehearsing the conversation he wants to have with Keith in his head, matched by Keith's responses.

_"I'm glad I mean so much to you, but if something happens to me—"_

_"Don't say that! We'll beat Zarkon together!"_

That’s not how he wants the conversation to go. They’ve had that conversation too many times. And every time, Keith had closed himself off. Shiro tries not to bring it up, but eventualities must be addressed. _Prepare for the best; expect the worst_ was the rule of survival. Whatever this is now, the Garrison hadn’t prepared him for it. Neither had fighting in the Arena. If anything, those experiences required him to turn off his emotions. Before any of this, he would have been content to quietly smother his feelings. He would have come back from Kerberos, Keith’s feelings would have faded and he would have grown up to understand that admiration for someone isn’t the same as being in love with them. Even if the person you admired loved you, too. And they would be Just Friends. In prison, Shiro had wanted Keith to forget about him completely. He wasn’t going to taint Keith with the murders he had committed, voluntary or not. Shiro never planned to tell Keith what happened when he became the Champion. He didn’t expect Keith to remember him. He didn’t expect for the surge of feelings and memories he could tell they were both trying to ignore every time they looked at each other during missions. Selfishly, Shiro hoped that saving the universe would preoccupy each of their minds more than each other. He should have known better. Being in such close quarters obviously influenced Keith.

_At this time, your friend desperately wants to see you._ “Keith, do you have any idea how much you mean to me, too?” Shiro mutters to himself, even though he knows he has to say those words directly.

* * *

 Shiro finds Keith in the spaceport. Shiro tells himself that his actions are justified. He's trying to make sure that Keith is okay. Shiro's not terribly sure he's convinced even himself. But he follows the notes floating through the air all the way into the Red Lion, where Keith is sitting, singing quietly to himself.

_“Dorawa Jwo,_

_Doraganeun gilmog wie, Nunsiureur bulkge muldeurimyeo misojitneun neo._

_Ulgo itneun ni eolgureur pume aneumyeo_

_Tto aesseo gamchuneun nunmul_

_Joyonghi heulleo naeri neunnae nunmul_

_Hayeomeopsim, heulleo naerineun nunmul_

_Nun naerin eoneu gyeournarul yeonga”_

Shiro sits for a moment, letting the song settle into his mind. It's Korean, he can tell that much. Keith isn't that great of a singer, but Shiro certainly doesn't mind. He sees Keith's shoulders begin to shudder, and he walks forward, reaching out to gently touch his shoulder. "Keith?"

Keith jumps a mile high, swinging his fist behind him. Shiro neatly ducks. Keith is breathing hard, ready to tell the intruder off, until realization dawns on him who exactly he'd been attacking.

"You startled me."

"I noticed." Shiro grins. "Why are you down here?"

"Were you spying on me?" asks Keith evasively.

"Yes," says Shiro, not needing to even act guilty— he feels guilty enough as is.

"Why?" Keith collapses on the seat, pushing his bangs out of face. "Actually, don't answer that."

This time, Shiro is the one who's confused. "Why?"

"You're being a good leader. You're just worried right?" There’s a note of bitterness in his voice, and Shiro blinks, surprised.

"I mean, yes, Keith," he says, sitting down on the emergency supplies bin. "But...I also care about you as a friend. You should know that." Keith doesn't turn around to see the hurt on Shiro's face, but Shiro knows it's obvious from his voice. Keith stays silent, though, waiting for Shiro to take the lead. Sure enough, Shiro caves first, and clears his throat.

"You know," he begins, "before you came to rescue me, I thought I had died. I crash landed on Earth and they were prodding at me, and then I passed out. I thought I had done a good job before dying because I at least warned someone. When I woke up, I saw you, sitting in your chair, asleep. I thought I was hallucinating. I thought someone had granted me my one last wish to see you before I died. But it wasn't a dream; it was all real."

Keith is tempted to stay quiet, but he can't quite manage. Shiro doesn’t quite expect an answer, but is relieved when Keith responds.

"Why are you telling me this?"

Shiro shrugs, but Keith doesn’t turn around to look at him. He wouldn’t be surprised if Keith knew what he was doing without looking at him. Keith can feel, rather than see, Shiro shrug. He’s imagined so many conversations with Shiro. He’s sure he doesn’t even have to look at Shiro to know what he would be doing.    

"You really don't know?" Shiro asks, gently. "I just thought with today...we'd want to talk to each other. Because I care about you."

Keith squeezes his eyes shut, mirroring the way his heart squeezes painfully. "No."

"No?"

"Not the way...." he shakes his head. He can't say anymore.    

"Not the way?" Shiro knows he can't push too hard. It's in his gentle, coaxing manner that Keith begins to melt a little.

"The way I do." There. Keith takes a deep breath. Shiro doesn't say anything. Keith can pretend he knows the resigned look on Shiro's face, but quite the contrary, Shiro looks like his heart is breaking.

"Is that why you were singing?"

"No." _Yes._

They sit in silence again. Keith looks up into the reflection of his windshield, and Shiro looks back at him, a deep-seated pain sketched over his face. "I just...wanted to help. I can't help you if we don't talk to each other, Keith."

"It's not that easy, Shiro." Keith says.

"Why not?”

"It's just....not."

"If this is about you being Galra, please don't think that changes my opinion of you. You're still—quite literally— my right hand," Shiro says, attempting to ease the tension. Without thinking, he flexes his hand, and the cockpit is filled with a soft, purple light.

"That's not it!" Keith snaps.

"Then what's the matter?"

"I missed you. So much, Shiro." Keith leans forward, his forehead resting on the cool metal control pad in front of him. "And I never wanted to bother you with...my feelings. Hell, _I_ don't even want to bother myself with my feelings."

"They can't be that bad." Shiro almost laughs out loud at the familiarity of the conversation.

"Fine! I'm angry, sad, relieved, and completely embarrassed," he says. "Because now you know."

_Still skirting around the issue_ , Shiro thinks to himself dryly. Well, avoidance had been his tried and true tactic. "I understand."

"No, you don't." Keith snipes back.

"How could I not? I was in a prison, Keith. There wasn't a day when I didn't wish I could see you." Shiro's indirectness had been ingrained from his family since he had been young enough to speak. He's beginning to poke at a sleeping dragon, he knows, but the burning in his chest hasn't stopped. Shiro quickly sends out a silent prayer, begging Keith to understand his unspoken words. "Can you tell me why you were singing, then? Where did you even learn how to sing? We couldn't sing to save our lives back at the Garrison. No one in the castle is particularly good, I gathered."

"I did it because I missed you."

"What?" Shiro feigns ignorance. He has never dared to even believe that Keith might want him, too.

This time, Keith swivels around in his chair, eyes ablaze. "Because I missed you," Keith finally bursts. "You left. You left and I didn't know what to do except wait. So that's what I did. And then one day someone came up to me and patted me on the shoulder; I thought it was you  and you were back early and wanted to surprise me or something. But it wasn't you, it was some teacher, and she didn't say anything, so I ignored her. People kept looking at me like they felt sorry for me, but I had no idea what was going on. I thought there was another rumor going around, so I didn't care, but then...." Keith closes his eyes, and takes a deep, shuddering breath. "I went into class with Ms. Griffith, you remember her?"

"Yes. The one I used to assist in flight class." Shiro doesn't comment more, letting Keith finish.

"Yeah, her. She kept giving me the same weird look everyone else was giving me, so I asked her what she was looking at, and then she looked at me like I was stupid. She told me the Kerberos mission failed because of a pilot error. For a second, I thought she was testing my impulse control, but then I... panicked...and I ran out of the class. I left and broke into your old work station to look up what had happened because I thought they were framing you. But why would they do that? You were the pride and joy of the Garrison. But I knew it wasn't your fault; it couldn't have been." Keith has to force himself to relax, his fists unfurling. "But that's all the file said. I got caught, and they escorted me out with a warning. I stopped going to class. It seemed so pointless. All I wanted to do was find out what happened to you. So I broke into the Colonel's computer.  He caught me personally, so this time they made me go to a disciplinary hearing."

He straightens his back, squaring his shoulders, as though the mere memory itself is forcing him to stand in front of the committee again. "They reviewed my files in front of me and noticed I hadn't been going to class. I told them it wasn't worth trying. You were gone, and that's all that mattered. Do you know what they said to me? 'It's always worth a try, even if you fail.' So I asked them if it was always worth trying, why didn't they try to find out what happened on the Kerberos mission?  I was so mad, Shiro. I was mad at them for talking to me like nothing had happened. Everybody should have been doing everything to find you, but they just kept going to class like nothing was wrong.  I wanted everybody to stop and at least acknowledge what had happened. I wanted to yell at the Earth, because it should have stopped turning when you left. I already knew I was getting kicked out, so I went into my room and grabbed all my stuff before they could force me to leave. Then I stopped by your room and took all your stuff. It didn't feel right to leave it there with them," he spat out.

"That's why you had my clothes," says Shiro, slowly.

"Yeah. I took our hoverbike while I still had my key card and left. I just kept going until I couldn't feel my face anymore."

Without thinking, Shiro reaches out, tips of his fingers ghosting over Keith's face, and Keith can feel a different kind of heat blooming on his cheek.

"You shouldn't have done that," Shiro murmurs.

Keith closes his eyes. "You don't understand," he repeats. "After you left, I felt so lost. I didn't know what to do anymore, and I didn't know where to start looking to find you. I needed to find a shelter, so I ended up at that house. I kept looking up at night at the sky, and I kept wishing you would come back. I didn't cry. I couldn't, because crying would mean...that you were really gone. And it wasn't true. There was one night when I was sitting on the roof, and I was thinking about you...being in that house reminded me of when my parents left, you saw that in my memory thing," Keith vaguely gestures around with his hands, "And I just kept thinking about how I didn't miss the Garrison, but I kept wanting to go back. I didn't realize why at the time. But when I think about it now, it was because thinking about my house made me remember how messed up I was. I forgot how much I hated myself because when I met you for the first time, I cared about you more than I cared about myself. So I went up to the roof and I —" Keith looks embarrassed, "—started screaming. I screamed until my throat hurt and I couldn't scream anymore. I just thought..." The words are coming out as a struggle now. Shiro stands, slowly. "If you were alive...if you could hear me...you would come back. Part of it was frustration, but part of me hoped that you'd hear me wherever you were and come flying back."

Shiro doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. "Keith...."

"But then I couldn't scream anymore," Keith says, continuing. "So I started...singing. Because it felt more productive. It made the house feel less empty. Because I hoped that my singing would help you, somehow. I tried to remember all the songs that were popular that we would hear people singing when we were walking back from sparring. I tried to remember the songs you were humming when you studied and I was falling asleep on your bed, and the ones that I remember my parents singing to me. I even learned one in Japanese, because I thought-" Keith cuts himself off, clapping his hand over his mouth. The words had come out too quickly for him to stop. Talking too much reminded Keith of picking at the blisters on his hands. If he didn't keep his guard up at all times, he'd start bleeding. Even when he told himself that the blisters would slowly turn into calluses and make him tougher, he'd stare at the ooze coming out of his hands and be angry he couldn't control himself better.

"You did that for me?" Shiro leans over the top of the chair, but Keith ducks his head, burying his head in his hand. Shiro can see the tips of his ears turning a bright red. "What song was it? Can I hear it?"

"No!" Keith snaps. "It was stupid. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have piled all that on you, you've got enough to worry about."

Shiro moves, kneeling in front of Keith, and takes both of his hands into his own. Keith looks panic-stricken, and Shiro wants nothing more than to hold him. "Please tell me. I want to know."

Keith looks at Shiro for a long time, beginning again with a shaky voice. "I got good at singing. It became something that would help me calm down." Keith tries to relax his grip, but Shiro holds on tighter. "And some days I would get so restless.  Singing usually helped me not feel so crazy. I did it because it gave me something to do other than walking and trying to find the Blue Lion until I passed out from exhaustion. Which I wanted to do, every day...because I kept thinking about you," Keith confesses. "I kept thinking that if I could find whatever it was, it would help me find you. And then you showed up. But Shiro, if I had known what was going on, I would have stolen the biggest Garrison ship and come immediately," Keith says quickly. He finally takes Shiro's hands, weaving their fingers together. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't find you."

"No!" blurts out Shiro. "No. Please, Keith. I don't think I could have handled it if you had ended up with me in the prison. Or even worse, dead, okay? The only thing I want you to be is safe. If I could have heard you singing, I would have cherished every minute of it."

Keith nods mutely. "I couldn't keep you safe though," Keith says, tracing a hand down the cold metal of Shiro’s arm. "I should have done more. They took your arm. _I_ took your arm," he says, and Shiro understands he means the Galra.

"You didn't do it. You just saw that it's not your heritage, it's about the person you are and the choices you make. And your choices, who your parents are, all of that will never make me leave you. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. It was worth it to see you again."

Keith feels the truth sink down into his stomach and into his bones. "I love you. So much, Shiro," Keith whispers, leaning over to press their foreheads together. "Please don't ever leave me again. Voltron needs you. The universe needs you. _I_ need you."

"I'm not leaving you, Keith." Shiro cups Keith's cheek gently with his hand, and Keith's hand moves on top of his, cradling him back.

"Don't ever," Keith pleads, and Shiro pulls them together. Keith holds onto Shiro's shoulders like he's afraid Shiro will slip away from him. Shiro holds Keith like he'll never see him again. Keith looks at him for a moment before they find each other again, and Keith is convinced there isn’t a force strong enough to keep them apart.

* * *

They split up for their next mission. Keith is sent to collect materials with Hunk, and Shiro is sent to find a prisoner. They both reach in for a handshake, and in silent agreement, Keith lets Shiro pull him into a hug. Keith barely registers the look Allura and Coran are exchanging behind them.

“Good luck,” Shiro says, quietly into his ear.

 Keith closes his eyes. “Come back to me,” he breathes back.

They separate, their hands lingering together. Shiro looks him square in the eyes. “I will. I promise.”

* * *

 Shiro disappears again after they attempt their attack on Zarkon.  

Keith isn't confused this time. It's not Shiro's fault. But he's still angry.

Everybody copes with it differently. Pidge desperately runs tests and scans with Hunk, who stays up every night to try to fine tune their equipment. Coran offers reassuring touches whenever he passes by Keith. Allura promises him they'll find Shiro. Lance trains harder, like he needs to make up for Shiro's absent strength. Keith wants to go to the roof and scream again, but sound doesn't travel through space.

* * *

 For the eighth time, he circles around the Black Lion. It's non-responsive, as expected. He places a hand on it, trying to will it to life, but there's still nothing. Slowly, he reaches for the door and steps into the empty cockpit, and with a pang, he's reminded yet again that Shiro is gone. He sits down in the chair, looking up at the ceiling.

"I know Shiro's out there, so let's find him," He says, trying to coax the Lion to life, but it doesn't move. It doesn't even turn on. He takes a deep breath. _Patience yields focus_ he reminds himself, and tries to calm down.

"Find Shiro," he pleads. The cabin is deafeningly empty, and Keith loses his temper.

"Give him back! Go get him! Do something! Shiro, I know you're out there somewhere, and I'm going to find you and bring you back! You promised you wouldn't leave me again!" Keith jams the controls as far down as they can go, and he can feel the bones in his wrist click with the force. He has to stand on tiptoe to reach the pedals, another reminder that this is where Shiro belongs. Sobs that he's been holding back for months --maybe even years, he doesn't know-- break through with an ugly, guttural sound. He can't breathe. He's so angry he wants to die. He would gladly do so if it'll bring him and Shiro back together. But he knows it will solve nothing.

He forces himself to breathe through his nose, deep breaths to three, exhaling on four. _Patience yields focus_. "Shiro," he calls out again, but it comes out as a pitiful, scratchy thing. He can feel an unsettling energy in his body. He's getting restless again. There's only one thing left to do. And the last time he had sung, Shiro had come to him.

"Shiro, if you can hear me..." he begins softly. The rest of the words come out in a harsh, hoarse voice, dry from his heaving breaths.

_"Demo, demo..._

_Hontou wa aitai kibun, hontou wa nakitai kibun de_

_Shitteru yo, ganbatteru, shitteru yo_

_Hora konna ni kimi ga itoshii_

_Matteru yo, Itsudemo, matteru yo_

_Daisuki na hito ga, tsuyoku tte shinpai_

_Watashi ni dake wa, yowasa misete_

_Hoshi yori saki ni mitsukete ageru_

_Massugu kaette kite ne_

_Daisuki na hito wa, doko ni irun daro?_

_Yozora mitsumete romantikku na kibun_

_Dare yori saki ni mitsukete ageru_

_Massugu kaette kite ne_

_Hey, hurry and come home, won't you?"_

**Author's Note:**

> As always, any thoughts, comments, mistakes that you caught are completely appreciated. Reach me at keepleaves.tumblr.com if you want to chat.
> 
> Song translations can be found for the first song [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JDAj2lVS_s), and the second song [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIbpkJbWqwo).


End file.
